These journal entries were direct responses to the perpetrators attempt to asasinate my character. The drawings of the word are rooted in a historical context. As noted in the statement for this series, I had to read through numerous emails to prepare for court, as I was petitioning for an Order of Protection. In an email rant from the perpetrator dated Wednesday, June 3, 2020 at 4:31 PM, after I ran from his violent behavior, for a third time and went no contact, he wrote "I hope to never have a fucking need again. I don't want needs; I want to do WTF I want, all the time...I don't know how to survive any other way...I am a spoiled, uppity nigger. .....But, I love you so much! You've been so good to me...I don't know what to do...except that I would love to fucking die." The periods where he couldn’t control me is when he colors me as a racist and threatens me with revenge porn. I drew a controversial image in retaliation.
What to Do If an Abuser Threatens Suicide
This journal entry dove into racism, social history, art history and the controversies that lie within. This entry journal is indeed controversial. Has it placed me in the crosshairs and cross fire of racism? Absolutely. But it does not declare me a racist.The trauma I have endured by the perpetrator can not be compared to a word drawn onto paper. A word with one of the richest, nastiest, and most complex ranges of meaning in the English language, whether painted, drawn, written or sung will resonate loudly and be a catalyst for awareness anywhere it lands, no matter how it is released. A word I chose to fuel the fire that shines light on coercive control, intimate partner violence, accountability and prevention.
As an artist I use art as a spark to critical conversations around universal issues. Intimate partner violence in a cross cultural relationship is complex. If the abuser is black, and the victim is white, they may often times silence the victim by calling her a racist in order to derail the truth if she calls the police or goes to the authorities. The man who abused me did just that every time I ran from his violent behavior. The attempts to lure me back most often started with promises to change. The threats would follow if his manipulative tactics were failing.
In this journal entry I confront the pressing issue, and his attack on my character as I finally broke free, and I strike back with full force, from the gut that was physically punched, and the mind that was once skillfully, insidiously and deviously manipulated by the violent controlling abuser.
The entries reflect the words used by racists, referring to white women who have intimate relations with black men, and vice versa. With every line, curve, and stroke, I was keenly aware of the word's toxicity, and place in these times and history, as I drew each letter with my Magnum Sharpie. Pressuring each letter to fit, stretch tall and narrow to fill each page, I knew I was giving the perpetrator what he bargained for. This act does not make me a racist. It makes me profoundly aware of his tactics and schemes. This entry does not relieve the abuser of being held accountable for physically, sexually, mentally and emotionally abusing me. Like most victims, I knew the road for justice would be challenging. I knew in order for him to battle with the truth, and not face the consequences for his actions, he would have to lie, as brutally as he treated me.
I am using art to release my trauma and gain back control of my life and well being, pushing awareness of intimate partner violence, misogyny, bigotry and narcissistic abuse to the forefront.
Narcissists will find ways, take things out of context, and rewrite narratives to play victim.
"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."