"I never looked at any of the comments on articles about Lauren, because I knew what I would find there: questions like, “Why didn’t she just leave?” Because I know that she tried, like so many others. What so many people don’t know—or don’t care to know—is that abuse is about power and control. Lauren’s attempt to leave the relationship was a threat to the power and control that Jerry so desperately wanted over her. In order to regain his position, he ended her life before she could end their relationship. "

Violence against women is not fundamentally about race, class, profession, politics, or appearance. It is about power and control. Abusers come from every background. They wear suits, uniforms, badges, and casual clothes. They may be executives, artists, activists, clergy, public servants, nonprofit leaders, or respected members of their communities. Many carefully cultivate public identities that conceal their private behavior. Violence against women is neither confined to a particular social class nor a particular culture. It is a pattern of domination that can exist anywhere.

At the core of many abusive relationships is coercive control—the systematic use of intimidation, manipulation, isolation, surveillance, degradation, threats, and fear to strip another person of autonomy. Physical violence is often only one manifestation of a larger pattern. The objective is not simply to inflict harm, but to establish and maintain control.

I have come to question the term "domestic violence." Violence is not domesticated. It is not made less serious because it occurs within a relationship or a home. The same tactics of intimidation, coercion, threats, stalking, harassment, and terror would be recognized as serious offenses in any other context. When viewed through the lens of power and control, these behaviors reveal themselves as deliberate acts intended to dominate another human being.

For this reason, it is essential that society move beyond viewing abuse as isolated incidents and instead recognize patterns of behavior. Prevention depends on identifying warning signs before violence escalates.

Common signs of coercive control include:

Take all measures. Heed all warnings. Know the red flags.

Recognizing the Signs of Coercive Control

Coercive control is a common tactic in abusers. Learning to recognize the signs is important for your emotional health and physical safety.:

• Isolating a person from family, friends, and support systems

• Monitoring daily activities, communications, or whereabouts

• Denying freedom, autonomy, or independence

• Gaslighting and psychological manipulation

• Constant criticism, humiliation, or degradation

• Controlling access to money or resources

• Enforcing rigid gender roles and expectations

• Using children as tools of manipulation

• Controlling aspects of health, reproduction, or bodily autonomy

• Excessive jealousy, possessiveness, and accusations

• Coercion or control within sexual relationships

• Threats directed toward children, pets, family members, or loved ones

Recognizing these patterns can save lives. Awareness is often the first step toward prevention, protection, and ultimately freedom.