Defining Narcissistic Abuse: The Case for Deception as Abuse

"Once the narcissist has gained the trust and confidence of the partner, the “true self” of the narcissist eventually shows itself. The abuser turns on the partner and behaves in cruel ways, such as through verbal abuse, withholding the love and attention that was previously freely given, intentionally manufacturing emotions such as jealousy and insecurity, and engaging in various forms of betrayal.

It is only through the deception of the “false self” that any of the abuse can occur, and the deception is unique to narcissistic abuse and is its particularly damaging feature, as it leads to cognitive dissonance and grieving over the person who does not exist. Sandra L. Brown (2009) says in her book Women Who Love Psychopaths that intrusive thoughts and cognitive dissonance were the two most disruptive symptoms in the women she counseled who came out of relationships with psychopaths. “This is why the mid-relationship dynamics are marked by grieving. What [the survivor] becomes acutely aware of is that her grieving is caused by a unique feature of the psychopath. This unique feature is the unbelievable contradictions, opposites, and dichotomies that mark this man as the disordered person he is.” "



Hold them accountable. Apologies and promises to change are manipulation. The violence only escalates.