Violence Against Women Is Classless and Colorless: A War on Autonomy Through Coercive Control

Abusers wear suits, uniforms, badges, and casual clothes. They carry guns, fly kites, paint murals, march for liberation, and present themselves as community leaders, artists, organizers, and advocates. They can be found in corporations, nonprofits, government agencies, and social movements. They often surround themselves with people and institutions that provide credibility, protection, and opportunity. Many cultivate public identities rooted in justice, equality, community building, and social change. They speak of freedom, dignity, liberation, and courage. They organize, teach, create, and inspire. Yet public image and private behavior are not always the same.

Coercive control operates behind public personas, inside organizations, relationships, and communities.

Abusers frequently seek positions that grant access, influence, trust, and admiration. Their primary weapon is often coercive control: a pattern of intimidation, manipulation, isolation, surveillance, threats, and psychological domination designed to obtain and maintain power over another person. They often target individuals who are empathetic, compassionate, intelligent, and resourceful—people likely to extend understanding, forgiveness, and second chances. Through guilt, intimidation, manipulation, and violence, they establish and maintain control while preserving a carefully managed public persona. Enablers, whether knowingly or unknowingly, can become part of that façade by providing credibility, employment, housing, opportunities, and social protection.

One such individual has served on the board of a nonprofit organization whose mission is to foster liberation, strengthen social movements, and create a more just future. While publicly associated with values of justice and community, this individual was the subject of a five-year Order of Protection.

The relationship progressed rapidly. Control emerged through isolation, monitoring, and increasing demands for compliance. When resistance occurred, intimidation and violence followed. After the first violent incident, promises were made that it would never happen again. Charges were not pursued. The violence continued.

The second major violent episode culminated in the destruction of my home after I fled for safety. Personal belongings were destroyed and set on fire. It ultimately took four attempts to permanently leave the relationship. I feared for my safety whether I stayed or left. Following separation, threats included suicide, revenge pornography, reputational destruction, and other forms of retaliation intended to force continued engagement. The periods between violent incidents shortened. The abuse escalated. Physical violence, intimidation, and coercive control intensified.

An Order of Protection was subsequently granted through Family Court. Accountability was ultimately avoided through evasion and delay. The victim further alleges that institutional failures and a lack of understanding regarding coercive control allowed the abuse to continue in new forms long after the relationship ended.

This work is not about vengeance. It is about visibility. The following images, writings, emails, and text messages document patterns of coercive control, violence, intimidation, manipulation, and post-separation abuse. They are presented as testimony, witness, record, and educational example. Many victims do not recognize these behaviors while they are occurring because they are often disguised as concern, love, apology, affection, or attempts at reconciliation. By examining real communications, readers may be better able to recognize similar patterns in their own relationships.

"We provide alleged criminals the right to legal counsel, yet we are unable to extend the same rights to victims protecting themselves and their children. Our systems, by design, protect perpetrators, not victims." - Lauren Free

“Adults can’t just leave the situation. Leaving an abuser, especially a highly manipulative and vengeful narcissist, is rarely easy to do. Partners of narcissists, particularly women, are frequently isolated from friends and family, drained of financial resources, and bullied into compliance with threats of assault, withdrawal of support, loss of child custody, and homelessness.”

If you or someone you care about is experiencing coercive control, there is help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline recognizes narcissistic abuse and trauma and is available 24/7 in more than 200 languages. Call 1-800-799-7233 to talk with an advocate.